Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "That song is old." "OH! I'm Sorry B!tch, I didn't know there was an expiration date on music."

   "You just elbowd my boob", "You just boobed my elbow.."

   Hey, I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

   NO!! I will not join your gym club until you put in vending machines for BEER!!!

   The strangest of all birth defects is an inability to see things my way...

   Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.

   Congrats Google Plus on being the new Myspace replacement. RIP facebook

   The good news: The ROGAINE® is working! The bad news: The new hair looks like pubes!

   Facebook should just go back to the way it looked when it first came out

   Whoever made the Sam I Am status shoud finish it.. that was some good stuff!!

   Im not saying your chick is ugly at all. She just reminds me of Bald Bull on Mike Tyson's punchout

   I do not like this Sam I Am. I do not like this Facebook scam. I do not like the new news feed. I do not like it, no indeed. I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's weird, so let me make

   I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve multi orgazims. Don't worry if you can't come! For those of you that will come...Sign the guest, list below!

   The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!

   "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”

   The strangest of all bipolar disorders and birth defects is an inability to see things my way...

   it feels like I'm getting a 24 hr colonic by the government.. .

   Don't wash your car on Friday……It always rains satellites when you wash your car.

   Why would you respect Sallie Mae when she's been screwing you and all college students for years?

   You don't OWN Facebook. Stop being a whining b*tch who can't accept a mere change. Do all your friends complain when you change the furniture around YOUR house...Deal with it. Its not your website.