Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   ladies, sure what you've been through is heroic. but what I've made you go through is Epic!

   I watched Major league last night where Charlie sheen was known for his fast ball. Ironically.....he is now known for his 8-ball

   Touch someone's hand and you make them smile. Touch their heart and you make them cry. Touch their @ss and you get hit with sexual assault charges.

   I don't care how old you are , if you don't respect me i'm not respecting you .

   My Beta player just died, I guess I need to buck up and finally buy a VHS player. SMH!

   Back in the day. How long did it take people to catch on and realize that the one guy who implemented putting up his middle finger meant "fvck you"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween

   I am going to come out with a personal credit card reader and call it the "As swipe"

   Raise your hand if you are one of those people who have to publicly announce that they're in love...and with that hand, b*tch-slap yourself.

   Some moron gave me a banana for my birthday

   A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones that need the advice..

   I just gave some moron a banana for his birthday.

   I need all my haters to do a favor for me real quick: Go plank on a machete.

   Fat women stay buying bikinis...Walking around the beach looking like a biscuit wrapped in rubberbands

   Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.

   You can't always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.

   I didn't change, My standards did.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.