Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I'm at a fast food restaurant with friends and the dining room is empty...and the next couple that comes in has to sit at the table right next to you.

   Remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.

   God then gave lean beef so that Man might eat healthy and still satisfy his appetite. But Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger, then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!" And Satan smiled.

   Hi, my name is shower and if you turn me on I will get you wet

   Swagger: To conduct oneself in an arrogant or superciliously pompous manner <----Well said Sir Webster

   X says When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I hit puberty and found out I had a working "lightsaber" and didn't leave my bedroom for a year.

   made a suggestion to Google Translate for "English to Ghetto".

   A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.

   My truck is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

   Just because I'm recently single doesn't mean iv become desperate. Go away freaks!!!

   "What's worse than voices in your head?" When the voices don't Speak-English.

   How depressing is it to have a freshman start over you in college sports? I mean you worked four hard years!!!!

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your computer screen.

   The akward moment when you say n!gga in front of a black person

   I bet people in jail don't use scented body wash...Cuz the last thing you want is some dude rolling up on you talking bout, "Sniff sniff...You smell like Cherry Fruit Passion".....

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.

   They call me Laxative coz I make sh*t happen.

   I would love to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass

   Kansas "Dust in the Wind" came on the air while I was looking for a Frozen Dinner for ONE. God wants me Dead!

   I keep playing my Highway to Hell cd over and over. I think I have OCDC.