Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best breakup line - Our relationship is fat, its not working out.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   Stephen Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, Thats not very smart, I wouldnt have done that!

   Wendy's idea of a medium could save an African village.

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.

   Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!

   Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?

   tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!

   Superman's disguise sucks when I took my glasses off the police still knew it was me.

   If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?

   I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.

   Zombway....Eat Flesh.

   Music caters to every type of moment, mood and moron.