Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had a great past weekend at Myrtle Beach with my girlfriend. She only caught me looking twice at women on the beach... The bruises are almost gone....!!!!

   The streets are jam packed full of cars this morning... that speech last night must of created a ton of jobs...get real people

   Trying to pop a zit in the middle of my back with bar-b-que tongs and a mirror.....sucks living alone.

   Her: The trash needs taken' out....Me (pushing trash down): NOPE, it's good!!

   Just got the new Payton Manning Bobble Head Doll....But the head won't move!!

   Fridays are like a metaphor for mullets.....Business during the day, and partying at night!

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds.

   Some people just need a kiss...on the side of the head...with a metal bat

   if there's a camera flash in the picture, she's prolly too ugly for you bro!

   Anyone else see FB Bugs?! ̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨̨̨They drive you crazy and you can't wıpe them off your screen!!

   What's the objective for Jewish football......To get the quarterback!

   When facisim goes to sleep, it checks underneith it's bed for Ron Paul!

   If “Oscar De La Toya Jackson” isn't the best drag queen name ever, then I don't know what I'm doing in these heels and boxing gloves anymore.

   well why dont you post a white joke? oh that's right there isn't any because blacks can't write.

   ■When I was little… I always thought the moon was following my car.

   back in a minute, I have to take an Obama.

   Question:They say theres a place for everything and everything has it's place. You know the place where Our Troops want to put like a million Military Boots? Answer: Soulja Boy's a$$.

   I always wondered something. Exactly how cool is a cucumber anyway?

   "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry

   when you have fat friends, there is no such thing as seesaw.. only catapults