Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".

   They say life is one long and crazy ride. I wanna know how the hell did I get a ticket and can I get a refund!

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

   Dear Soulja Boy- your music sucks even more than it did before! Way to insult the Soldiers who buy your music. PRICK!

   Pro tip: Naming your auto repair establishment "Rim Job" may end up biting you in the A$$

   Obama's jobs plan is that he has sold America to Apple and you are all working for them now

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards"

   "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)

   When people ask me if I want to stay on their friends list I just send a short message saying "Don't Taze me Bro"

   I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Starbucks Pumkin spiced latte. Stay caffienated my friends.

   When people walk away I check to make sure my phone is still there.

   I stick to the script, I memorize the lines Cause life is a movie that I've seen too many times

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   wonders how many of my knuckle children had the potential to be a doctor, president, or one day cure cancer.