Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else think Ashley on "Hardcore Pawn" comes off as such a C you Next Tuesday?

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.

   Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

   I nicknamed my legs ‘options' because I like to keep them open.

   The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".

   Cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who the fock am I kidding....I'm watching ESPN and having a beer(s)

   really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass

   In other news Apple bans apples from all grocery stores.

   Sarah Palin said, "Polls are for strippers." Cute. Guess what Grandma? Birth control pills are for teenagers.

   Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate

   You Cant Tell Me Casey Anthony and Kreayshawn DON'T look alike.

   You simply have not lived until your dad's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg.

   It's just amazing how much has changed since we got bin Laden.

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   How come Obama doesn't eat pickles? because he can't get his head in the jar...

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   Does anyone know what the other half of the battle is?

   The Mayan Calendar says the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, which really means a lot of babies will be born on Sept 21, 2013.