Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   WORDS OF ADVICE: Whenever she says "I think we should see other people", what she really means is that she's been seeing someone else behind your back for weeks and has now grown tired of the charade.

   I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...

   The University of Maryland uniforms were so ugly.....How ugly are they???So ugly that a University of Miami player was overheard saying "You couldn't pay me to wear those uniforms"

   Happy Birthday to one of my ex girlfriends. I can't remember which one, but I know one of you has a birthday today.

   How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

   Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.

   For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..

   I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.

   Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.

   Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.

   Waitress just said their creamed spinach was banging. Not sure how I feel about that.

   In an interview years later, Prince's former boss Mr. McGee said that he never disliked Prince. He just liked Morris Day better.

   When will the US State Department recognize the Man vs Food nation

   Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"

   Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.

   Ah, Sarcasm. What would I ever do without you?

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   Nobody Dates Anymore, Everybody has a ''Thing" with someone.