Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a solution for Health care Reform--cut the politicians pay by 7/8, eliminate their health insurance and tell them to deal with it!

   Whenever I meet a new girl I shake her hand with my left hand. I wouldn't want her to meet her competition right away.

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   Everyone's always competing for the best weight loss plan, I got it right here: Turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat exercise when offered something to eat. #legit

   .All sexy women should be seen in 3-D...That's my apartment # 3 - D .

   I've managed to keep a plant alive for 6 months now, so obviously I'm ready for a relationship.

   DRUNKEN BAR FIGHT. Put the 1st 8 friends at the left of your profile in order... this does not work for moble users...CRAP.

   I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.

   People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented

   I like to play mind games, but sometimes I leave my equipment at home.

   Fellas: When you go around flash your money, don't get mad when you only attract broke a$$ women who are looking for a handout.

   New game. We go out and get like 20 Tazers and play Tazer tag.

   Restaraunt pagers for long waits can be fun. Just ask to use the toilet while waiting then apologize to the Hostess for dropping it in the really messy toilet as youre seated. Note the look on her face and have fun reliving that moment as you finally eat

   Would like like to thank all the women that lowered their standards and went out with me on a date.

   If you watch Titanic backwards, . It is a heart warming tale of a Ship Which jumps out of the water And Saves lots of drowning people . . .

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are

   Today is Teachers Day. Any other whiskies should not be allowed...

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"