Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase"Regards"ever again.

   "Strike while the iron is hot" is pretty violent advice, but I guess if I'm hitting someone with an iron it might as well be hot.

   Every time I concentrate real hard, it starts to smell like incense.

   I'm more confused than an infant in a titty bar.

   just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream

   it odd that plenty of fish lets you search for a girl who does drugs often? I guess I have never woke up and said "Wow, I sure wish I could meet a nice meth head somehow"

   was standing in line at the ATM the other day when a elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her

   there is one thing I really don't find funny, and that is people trying to be funny

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.

   "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money." "Christ will forgive you, remember to put money into the donation box."

   I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?

   Third parties always complicate a relationship that's meant for two.

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.

   I'm hoping one of the new scenes Lucas adds to Star Wars involves Jar Jar being brutally killed

   Just because you're in a committed relationship, doesn't mean you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

   waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.