Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was your age, I didn't even know what drugs were!" The robot slaps the dad. Mom: "Haha! He's definitely YOUR son!" The robot slaps the mom.

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   I think the Angry Birds could use some anger management counselling. Mellow out, my cranky avian bros!

   You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper.

   Its sad that at a certain point some peoples promises just start too sound like Charlie Brown's Teacher..."Wah wah wah wah wah wah"

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.

   i'm so romantic, sometimes I think I should date myself.

   Interesting how you can't say "prick" on TV as a noun or calling someone the name. You can say you got a prick on your finger just don't say you fingered a prick.

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.

   Don't take me for granted and break my heart, because unlike the others, I will kick your a$$.

   After watching Transformers, I just spent an hour in my garage telling my car that I know his secret. Maybe he's just shy.

   I'm more scared than Barack Obama at a Willie Nelson concert.

   Why Are there always TWO bathtubs? And they're outside? ....... Wrong,, Wrong,, Wrong,, These people don't need a little blue pill,, they need counsuling....

   told my girlfriend .. "if you ever want to try anal sex, I'll be behind you all the way"!!

   Q: Why are single women skinnier than married women? A: Single women go to the fridge, see nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice and then go to the fridge.

   Thank goodness pets can't talk, they know way too much.

   I met a girl the other day. She said it's a must for her mate to be into the arts. I told her I am very much into the arts... the art of beer drinking, the art of watching football, and the art of long walks on the beach after anal.

   Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.

   at least the Notre Dame crowd Evacuated Like A Champion Yesterday