Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Barbie is going to be so happy. She is getting over the fact that Ken comes in a different box.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   And Jesus said to His disciples, "Follow me....on twitter."

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.

   There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   If I can make ONE person smile, laugh, or feel good about themselves every single day, then my purpose on this earth has been fulfilled. Everything else is there just to pass the time.