Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing personal, but if you're wearing one of those new plastic & velcro boot/cast things, stay the f*** away from me.

   Here's something you'll never hear, "Oh cool, you have a pink lighter."

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Arsenal fans didn't have breakfast today; apparently they 8 - 2 much yesterday

   Ladies: Having a male friend is a lot like having a pet tiger. Sure its fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day it turns on you.

   Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.

   So my tailbone has been killing me cause I'm putting in extra hours working. I talked to the nurse about it. She said and I quote "stop sitting on your ass so much".

   So this "Planking" thing... laying face down on various objects... I've been doing that forever. I call it "Sleeping" though.

   “The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old

   wondering which foreign countries are currently helping US during this Hurricane Irene clean up effort... (including shelter and food for the families whose lifestyles were turned upside down)

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush"

   Why is it when women are on their "that time of month" do they have to feel like they have to fly around the room on a broom and beat you with it??

   moves like jagger

   "I wasn't that drunk.."Dude, you hugged an old guy with a white beard and cried, "DUMBLEDORE, YOU'RE BACK!"

   Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.

   Teenage pregnancy just dropped 50% due to the release of Madden12

   When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke

   Why haven't they proved/disproved the myth "Once you go black you never go back" on Myth Busters?

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles