Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   congratulations on your 100th problem jay-z!

   You keep me humble, you catch my stumble and you never let me crumble!

   So i'm heading down to the ballgame with my 2 buddies, and some guy says to me: "are they going too". I replied: "No, there just coming to sit in the car while I watch the game"... Why do people stupidly state the obvious?

   Lil Wayne will not be upstaged by the Carter/Knowles clan tonight. When he brings Drake out to announce Drakes pregnant by him.

   heard Chaz Bono insisted he be paired with a female partner on "Dancing With The Stars" so ABC immediately went out and got Richard Simmons!

   When I'm drunk, my phone should say "are you sure you want to send this text?"

   Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

   Maybe Beyonce should have put a NuvaRing on it.

   Disappointed that Lady Gaga did not show up this year at the VMA's, I was really looking forward to my Grand Slam.

   So Lady Gaga, goes to the VMA's as alter ego Jo Calderon. I guess the thought of her being a Denny's menu item was not manly enough...!

   Have you ever thought about the fact that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom?

   I walk into the 7/11, and the female clerk says, "You look JUST like my fourth husband!" I said, "Really...you've been married four times?' She goes, "No. Three."

   This hotel has the worst mini-bar. All the little bottles of booze taste like shampoo.

   Lady Gaga says her fans are monsters.Really? Then how come the Wolfman hates her guts?

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   today was alot like my X girlfriend... cold and miserable

   sometimes you gotta save peoples numbers just so you know which ones to ignore!!

   What do you call a one leeged Japanese woman Wait for it ...... Irene !!!

   Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!!