Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

   Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.

   Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person

   Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.

   do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?

   I think I'll dump my coffee on my head...it'll work faster.

   Do you think when a clown climaxes, he shoots out silly string?

   That feeling when a booger shoots out your nose and you don't know where it landed.

   Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

   "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

   Holy Crap!!!....That was just CRAZY!!!.....Oh well.....Hey folks.new cooking tip 101;-When making beer can chicken.....make sure chicken is dead before inserting can of beer!!..Let me repeat:MAKE SURE CHICKEN IS DEAD BEFORE INSERTING CAN OF BEER!!!!!....

   My hats off to all the guys who only have AM radio in their work trucks...yeah I'm listening to Merle Haggard also!

   Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.