Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So who is the bitter old man who started these damn "she's to young for you bro" crap? So she didn't like you, "Bitter party of one?...Bitter party of one......"

   They say, "You are what you eat" ... The thing is, I don't remember eating a sexy b!tch.... oh wait a minute. Scratch that....

   You're like a drug to me, not only am I hooked on you but you're also ruining my life...

   The bigger the EXPECTATION, the bigger the HEARTBREAK!

   You know you're in love when you're standing in line at Forever 21 making a return on a dress and panties that your girlfriend was too embarrassed to do herself!

   Before you judge me: deal with what I've dealt with, Feel what I've felt, Survive what I've survived, Master what I have mastered and Overcome what I overcame.

   I don't hate you, I just don't appreciate your existence.

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   Why does this thing tell you that you have 24 letters left, then when you post it's incomplete? e

   So you can't even find time in your day to send me just one message? I guess that tells me where I stand.. if you want me in your life, find a way of getting me there.. i'm done trying!

   i absolutely love sending inboxes and never getting a reply. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.

   oh, so I'm invisible to you now? sweet! I always wanted a super power:D

   That posh voice that your mum puts on when she's on the phone:')

   life is a battle field and there are so many dangers, just when you think it's okay it blows up in your face..

   thinking about creating a whole new crime. I'm gonna start a counterfeit prostitution ring. I see a lot of money and no jail time coming my way.

   I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa

   I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?

   Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!