Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty

   I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer.

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, you're here. Coincidence?

   On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Iphone..

   If your mouth is shut in all your pics, we assume that you have funky teeth!!

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   heard in the news today that Ecstasy is being used to combat cancer. I'm not sure if the researchers testing this have ever done Ecstasy before, but if you get the right hit of E and you will forget that you have anything wrong with you.

   Jennifer Lopez got "On The Floor" and Marc Anthony let it "Rain Over Her."

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, click a stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of whiskey and not a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   Its not a typo if you don't know how to spell the word.

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".

   Most husbands often fantasize about Googling their Twitter on their wife's Facebook. Married reality for me is that she wont even look at Myspace anymore.