Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We were so enamored that we forgot to check his qualifications

   think I will go to the mall and watch people trip on an escalator

   Netflix is raising their prices again?! This sounds like a job for Hacker Group Anonymous!

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.

   oday I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again.

   5 Jobs Westboro Baptist Haters can do instead of protesting Military Funerals: 5) UFC grappling dummies 4) Product testers 4 Fleet's Enema Co. 3) Fear Factor game taste testers 2)Pridefest Clean Up Crew 1) HumanShields 4 R Troops since IEDs R from God.

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

   The Patriot Gaurd Motorcycle Riders were awesome at protecting my family from a$$hole Westboro Baptist Haters at my nephews military funeral. Maybe the Hell's Angels to also come and give the same love those hatemongers give others at the next funeral.

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.