Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Deja moo: the feeling you've heard this bull$hit before.

   Ok... I've just discovered the worst part about being single... I can never find a damned thing!!

   Unless you're in a resturant and you know the person has already eaten it's not a good thing to see someone walk out a restroom useing a toothpick.

   "It's complicated" just means one person is all for it and the other person is riding the line.

   Can't wait till the movie "colombiana" comes out. She is the real definition of a Bad b!tch....

   I don't want to brag but if kissing was a city, I would be its mayor.

   Told one of my favorite co-workers she drew her eyebrows on a little too high one morning a few years back. I've never forgotten how surprised she looked.

   Nothing important, move along....

   The person who coined the phrase "Laughter is the best medicine" probably never received Demerol during his hospitalization.

   At lunch, and just ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   Do I have an iPhone? Dude my phone has snake on it, does that answer your question?

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired.

   I got kicked out the pool today,apperently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   There aren't any good slogans for condoms because there aren't any themes... Make some Harry Potter ones... "Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets."

   My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.

   How can you tell when your wife is dead? Well the sex is pretty much the same but the dishes start piling up.

   they're are moments in life. Moments when you know u've crossed bridge and your old life is over. I'm into action. I have arrived!

   Describe myself in one word? Okay....Handsomesexyintelligentfunny.