Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   I bet if I lick that spot then you won't act like that.

   Damnit, I have eaten all my popcorn and the movie has not even started.

   Before I let you sit at my table I gotta see what you bringing to it.

   I know there is plenty of fish in the sea but I am looking for a mermaid.

   The sexual position 69 will now be known as 96, due to the economy, it now cost more to eat out.

   Don't stare at me. Because then I have to stare back at you and, why make me suffer?

   Today, I told a girl she was pretty. She wasn't. Call me fake, but that smile on her face was real.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress

   You know you have been SINGLE enough when you start making up abbreviations of the word SINGLE like the loser below.

   Never tell a woman to shut up, just kiss her damnit.

   I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?

   Mom, you know I love you, but I am not adding you on facebook.

   I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.

   wonders what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!