Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to just hang around the playground, watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Any female who tells you she don't suck d*ck is lying; she just ain't sucking your d*ck.

   The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.

   Miss the days when rappers used to rap about real sh*t, now they rap about candy likes its gangsta to eat a lollipop.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: DELIGHT Usage: She gotta big ass but her face is trash so when we do it I gotta turnoff delight.

   Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just took a dump.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money! I'm just sayin'.

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)