Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing worse than being cheated on...actually being cheated on with someone unemployed and ugly is worse.

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   more frustrated than a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll downhill

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.

   Twinkle, twinkle little star, show me to the nearest bar, down the street and to the right, I'll be there...all damn night!!

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   if she is wearing silly bands she is too young for you Bro!

   Don't be pushed around by your problems; be led by your courage.

   I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight.

   I tried ginko biloba pills for better memory, but I can't remember to take the pills.

   Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

   Facebook: A place where you can make your life look like something it's not.

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!

   Whenever I start to get tired of being single...I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship feels like

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   Sometimes I have these moments in life when I want to press pause, look into the sky, and scream "REALLY DUDE, REALLY!?"!!!!!