Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   i only drive one kind of stick...and it isnt standard ;)

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)

   My wife says I dont listen to her or something like that.

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

   The best things in life are free...............So how many kittens do you want?

   I went to my acupuncturist today. He told me to take two thumbtacks and call him in the morning.

   Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

   Never pick a fight with an ugly person;........They've got nothing to lose.

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.

   The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

   Just because I'm drive, doesn't mean I can't drunk!!!