Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   Guys who claim they are players usually get no plays. Beware of the quiet private ones.

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!

   Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   My boss asked me if I was trying to give him a heart attack, I'm guessing by my smug smile and walk off he got his answer.

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   Just when I thought my dream was real.............the elephant wants to start talkin

   Jani Lane, lead singer of Warrant found dead. Cause of death unknown at news time but witnesses report heavy cherry smell in the air. Guess heaven wasn't too far away.

   I got to thinking about when Hugh Hefner who is 85 was dating that girl who was 25......That would be like me dating a girl who would not be born for another eight years.

   I forget to renew my AVG anti-virus subscription and then next thing I know I've got a cold....well played, AVG, well played....

   DVD Piracy Ad: 'You wouldn't steal a television' - Recent evidence suggests otherwise.

   Good guys are like a thong on a fat girl....hard to find :)

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.