Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   Every day I change my birthday on Facebook to THAT day just for all the attention.

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   If in our righteous endeavors to protect and keep what we love and value, we attack and demoralize those whom peacefully choose a different path, do we become no less than the entity that we are standing against?

   Although preseason football is like non-alcoholic beer, it feels like the lockout added 10% of alcohol content

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.

   U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   A picture is worth a thousand words. Yours just says “slut” a thousand times in a row

   Marriage; the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy a license.

   Note to women: Its not that difficult to put the seat down if its left up.

   it just me, or do those Stouffer's French Bread pizzas burn the sh%t out of the roof of your mouth too?

   So what happened?? Did London just find out about the Rodney King verdict

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.