Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   Mexican words for the day...JEWEL & JAMAICAN Usage...I know one day JEWEL make me happy but today JAMAICAN me crazy!!

   look into my eyes, now sleep, sleep.....sleeep, so I can steal your pop-tarts

   As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other sh!t I'm not doing.

   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets

   Life was so much easier when girls had cooties!

   If more females would sit down and be ladies more males would stand up and be gentleman.

   Have you ever noticed that all of the hot girl's profiles on facebook are private and all of the ugly girl's profiles on facebook are public?

   Help me out on my friends list. If you don't know me, like me, or don't talk to me, Delete my ass. Thanks.

   Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?

   I wonder if I ask too many hypothetical questions?

   Watching Obama's press conference.... so far all I've gotten out of it is that gay soldiers are going to win the future in electric cars.

   Controversy in Tibet... they are naming the first black Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lamar.

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   I've just seen the new rise of the planet of the apes trailer! it's funny how it's very similar to the London riots! Most expensive publicity stunt ever

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???