Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

   You know you're getting old when you hide the year of your date of birth on your profile.

   "Pot is bad, buy more alcohol." - Anheuser-Busch Lobbyist

   does anyone find it a bit distasteful that the movie Soul Surfer was released during "Shark Week"? I'm just saying!

   I was wondering why some wizards in Harry Potter are so much more powerful than others. Then it dawned on me. Midichlorian count.

   there's nothing worse than watching a movie preview with action, guns, explosions, fighting, people dying, hot chicks, and.....a PG-13 rating!!

   Just passed some guy flying a confederate flag on the back of his ragged out Honda Goldwing wearing a Jolly Rodger Helmet, with a Connecticut license plate. I laughed so hard I almost missed my turn!

   HER: "You've changed." ME: "Yes. I can't help it, I'm a transformer!"

   The day I get my license is the day you get hit by a car.

   Sometimes The Best Thing To Say Is Nothing. Some People Are Not Even Worth Your Words.

   Lord gimme patience...or an untraceable handgun.

   If you want to make people angry, lie to them. If you want to make them absolutely livid, tell em the truth!!!!!!!

   I can't wait to embark on this wonderfully mysterious, enchantingly romantic journey with you. The entire trip. All the way from, "Hello".....to...... "WTF JUDGE! THE HOUSE, THE CAR, AND PERMANENT ALIMONY TOO????"

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of this wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   Yeah I knew it was time to stop foreplay with this chic as soon as I heard her scream "YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOUR IN THE JUNGLE BABY" as she was pulling down her pants.....

   Camping? You want me to go camping? Listen...My idea of "roughing it" is a night at Motel 6 with no cable. ng it

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them just to see what they would do!

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   Don't want to brag or anything but when I was a kid I had 9 planets.