Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times

   Just thinking about how rediculously good looking I am.

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.

   Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

   I'm off to work... not because I want to, but because I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, and I don't want to blow my cover!

   I'm not that sympathetic to reports that Kim Kardashian suffers from a skin condition. She can change her taste in men any time.

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   the sky is so clear today ...Watch out for God will be seeing us in a very high resolution

   At the Bar, going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home..

   You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

   In an emergency, I`d probably write a status about it before calling the police

   It sucks that Saturday is so close to Monday. But Monday is far away from Saturday.

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.