Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.

   Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!

   A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"

   that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!

   the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.

   Based on recent observation, I honestly believe that (insert state name) is a breeding ground for Land Manatees. :-/

   Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

   Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

   If Rap music ever takes off in North Korea, I'll bet there's gonna be a big scramble for the name "Run DMZ".

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call kid? Elmo??

   I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   My attention has no span.

   Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.

   gets more laughs out of his farts compared to certain things written here!

   Sometimes I wonder what the world would be like if we were all of the same race!