Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   USA - "Dad can I borrow a few trillion dollars?" England - "...Ask your mother" China - "Hell no I'm not giving you any money!! You'll just let your government friends waste it all on gambling.

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   Now days its Interesting how all Bar Debates end up on Google without a Fight

   "Hey there, little fella!" -First words said by every guy finishing liposuction surgery.

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?

   The wagon of love breaks down under the weight of baggage from the past.

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

   To hear many religious nuts talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.

   All I got to say is "Sisters before misters."

   I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run

   I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn, later he walked in on me watching Glee. I don't know who was more embarrassed.

   When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.

   If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.

   hates it when overweight people who don't take care of their body give weight advice! Look- when you're so fat that when you order a water-bed a freaking blanket is layed over the Pacific Ocean, do not come preaching nutrition to me.