Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times.

   Pouring petrol in a diesel car is like pouring vodka into a woman, it seems alright at first but you just know later on it's gonna break down!

   Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Cause and effect moron.

   Why was that Rorschach guy so obsessed with drawing pictures of my mom naked?

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   Mentally. Physically. Faster. Stronger. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard.

   Who will go down in history as the best HIDE AND GO SEEK player....Bin Laden or Casey Anthony?

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   tha a scar on your face? oh sorry thats just your mouth.

   You're like the moron that brought a knife to the gun fight and then bragged about how sharp it was..

   The Mississippi delta was shining like a national guitar.....

   There's nothing quite like a 10 penny nail thru the arch of your foot!

   My girlfriend is a porn star, she's going to be so pissed when she finds out.

   Hi, may I help you?" "No I just waited 15 mins in the line to say Hi.

   I went to a "family style" restaurant, they yelled at me the whole time.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once Id like to see a drug commercial that says, May cause extreme awesomeness.