Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl

   heard that Amy Winehouse didn't do any drugs today. Good for her!

   This is a RAKE & SHOVEL conversation. No HOES allowed! :)

   I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up.. Baffle 'em with BS!! ;-)

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   I like going to mcdonalds and ordering a egg mcmuffin and a mcchicken just to see what comes first.

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and damn move on.

   I hate how "lol" turns a perfectly good conversation into awkward silence for at least 10 seconds

   From now on I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly a F@$&@ng idiot.

   Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar

   I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive.

   How come every time I have to deal with customer service or technical support of anything, it's always some incompetent person telling me to do what I've already been doing. Like it's my fault that their crap doesn't work.

   My get up and go attitude got up and left me

   When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.

   I have enjoyed my Childhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery.

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”