Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In life, there are three things you should not break: a heart, a promise, and a condom!

   No you stupid assassins! I said BIEBER, not WINEHOUSE

   Why do I feel like the garbage can in my house is a game of Jenga & nobody told me we were playing??

   when does lindsey lohan turn 27?

   There needs to be more "damn it I missed my exit" exits.

   You know what is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone.

   To the anonymous person that keeps sending all that damn porn to my phone.. get a new phone with a better camera please! :)

   If after many drinks she still looks ugly put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Anybody who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

   Ladies, that "gangsta" face you make in your Facebook pictures isn't cute. You look like you're trying to smell your upper lip.

   People say that I'm stubborn but I insist that I'm not. They eventually give in to me.

   If you think I care about what you think of me, then you've highly over estimated my opinion of you.

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise...

   If you laugh like this ----> bahaha, I assume you're part sheep. ;)

   You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.