Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   It doesn't matter how much you shout and yell at appliances they never listen to you!!!!

   + me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   the girl told me she loves baby showers so I jizzed on her face totally misunderstood

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   Dear lady at the McDonald's Drive-through... Why are you taking so long to order? It is McDonald's, the menu hasn't changed in 30 years... and judging by the way your poor little Honda is leaning to one side - I bet you have been here NUMEROUS times.

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   I forgot my "smart" phone at home today, and I must say...it's kinda nice!

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   Error 4:04 A.M. no sleep available

   I don't care if people call you the space cowboy, gangster of love or Maurice. I think you're delusional.