Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see they now have wedding dresses made completely out of toilet paper. Well, at least you'll be prepared when your marriage turns to $**t.

   When are they going to do a myth busters episode on God?

   You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.

   Chess Master Plots Brilliant Attack On Wife!

   Facts are busily being ground into meat.

   Yesterday I had a religious experience: I was repressed and beaten by a man in a black robe.

   Tattoos: Nothing like a permanent disfigurement to satisfy the whims of fashion.

   A good rule for facebook: Friends don't let friends friend non friends.

   here's to you nipples, without you boobies would be pointless

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   I love you yet I hate you,its like I want to throw you off a cliff then run really fast to the bottom to catch you ..

   Girls its the summer time please dont walk around here in sandals with hideous feet...thats what you get for wearing Ugly aka UGG Boots lmao

   suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   entrepreneurship - only cure for monday morning blues..!!

   We need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts

   I saw a faded sign at the sign of the road. However there was no mention of a love shack.

   Watching a Travel Channel show on ghosts. I don't buy the Massachusetts ghost in the red flannel shirt. Thats a meth addict, not a ghost.

   The kids down the street have challenged me to a water fight...I'm just updating my status whilst I wait for the kettle to boil

   If he's truthful then I'm a one legged pirate......Does anyone see me with a parrot and a cracker??