Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   If people winked and "laughed out loud" in real life half as much as they did when they were texting the world would be a very creepy place ;) lol

   Why hasn't the NAACP changed it's name to NAAAA?

   I was thinking about stripping.. but in my condition..I dont think any club have a ramp to get my a$$ up on stage and reinforced titanium poles

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like a hand job

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   When you believe in success, you've already succeeded...

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars.Just a bunch of angry countries not talking to each other.

   if I ever see an amputee getting hanged, I will just start calling out letters

   Every time I drink a beer It makes your lazy eye disappear Every time I do a shot I think you're hot, but I know you're not, i'm just trying to drink you pretty!

   Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe.

   I dont care if you dont like me, I am not in the business of entertaining anyone.

   Ingredients of who I am today; my past, my history, my success, my triumphs, my failures, my mistakes, my regrets, my attitude and my confidence.

   so many potential future ex girlfirends, so little time.

   So I hear the schools are going to stop teaching cursive writing. That's OK. I can type an entire sentence without making so much as one single errot.

   We change, and love changes and best friends become strangers

   COURAGE does not always roar,sometimes it is that quiet voice at the end of the day that says''I will try again tomorrow''.

   Oh, you were hurt in the past huh? Well, 1) we are all hurt at some point, 2) get over it and 3) I'm not the one that hurt you so don't treat me like I am.

   Good Mornin! Thanking The Man Upstairs For Waking Me Another Day..NVM It Was His Dang Kids Runnin nd Jumpin Being Hella Loud All Morning!