Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NASCAR in Kentucky, I have not seen this many rednecks fired up about something since RedMan started using resealable pouches.

   Anytime someone says their going to delete their Facebook remember to ask for goodbye sex first

   Requesting the Mariachi to play "La Cucaracha" at a Mexican Restaurant is not a good idea but I'll do it cause I'm gangsta.

   You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be used as a flotation device.

   I feel the need to comment on the amount of energy we are expending on attempting to organize and control chaos. Life is fluid, my friends. The tighter you try to squeeze it, the more of it that escapes your between your fingers. Relax. Let t

   Relax. Let the world turn without your help. Don't try so hard to be in control of everything.

   Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->"

   When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away".

   This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   Weird compliments are fun. "I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression way

   Today........"WORK" is a 4 letter word!!

   always gives 100% at work...25% Monday, 15% Tuesday, 5% Wednesday, 3% Thursday, 2% Friday and 50% sleeping throughout

   Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song. Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   Naming a male baby is rarely easy. Go with a cool name, like Nosferatu.

   NAACP blasts CNN for its lack of diversity in prime time. Strangely silent on MSNBC wonderbread lineup.

   wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.

   Someone just told me that thw word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?