Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

   I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

   Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking

   I have to take my paycheck to the bank. Its too little to go by itself.

   If diamonds are a girls best friend and a dog is mans best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

   Excuse me Casey Anthony but Kanye West says OJ had the best murder trial of all time!!!

   One day... Facebook, Youtube, Myspace and Friendster will come together as one. It will be called, FookYouMyFriend.

   My neighbor knocked on my door at three in the morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

   I had a bad feeling Casey was getting off the hook when I saw the envelope the verdict was in had been sealed by duct tape.

   Heres your social security card. Its paper & has to last you forever. Dont laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   Why even ask how my weekend was if youre just going to interrupt me halfway through to say Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.

   What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..

   The jury was carefully selected based on their beliefs. Primarily, the ir belief that the Sun circles the Earth, and the preferred method of courtship is to bonk a woman over the head with a club then drag her into a cave.

   the next thing Casey Anthony googles better be "Self Defense"

   How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?

   A cop tried to pull me over for not having a rear-view mirror, but I didn't see him.

   The coffee maker is moving so slow, it's upsetting the space-time continuum.

   I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

   Casey Anthony tried to celebrate her acquittal last night at Chili's but waiters kept walking by singing, "I want my babyback babyback babyback... I want my babyback babyback babyback..."

   America has Talent..but a little weak on the selection process for Jurors in Florida