Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are so predictable..I bet you're even reading this status right now.

   She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.

   You wanna know the definition of deductive reasoning? I've deduced that the fatter the chick, the more boring the facebook page.

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go

   There should be realtionship status that says,"I don`t even know what`s going on"

   Going to: ❒ Paris ❒ New York ❒ London ✔ KITCHEN, I'm hungry

   Now thinking that I had the 455.00 back that I spent on fireworks....

   Random thought: I wonder if couches at nudist colonies smell like ass?

   I hate running out of deodorant......with 1 armpit left to go.. Now I have Sure on the left and Not so Sure on the right.

   Psychology experiment: Pull you head back, now pretend to shake salt from an imaginary salt shaker in your mouth, you'll taste salt!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, and the middle ones for you.

   When men lie, it's to avoid an argument. When women lie, it's to ruin lives.

   Life is hell when you're sober.

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   I delete enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1) No hoverboards.

   I sincerely hope you get stung by a jelly fish so I can finally pee on you without having to explain myself to the authorities.

   Yesterday: Blew up some stuff by using illegal fireworks, drank too much beer, drove too fast., fired a gun. Ahhhh, Freedom America style!

   I hope Casey Anthony's punishment involves cleaning the children's ball pit at McDonald's......