Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lindsay Lohan has been released, so hide your jewelry....

   I have been misled. Life is not a box of Chocolates. It's a tin of mixed nuts at best.

   If you send me a friend request and your profile picture is a car, I will assume your a transformer

   Chris Hansen has been caught cheating on his wife, it's a good thing she wasn't underage or that would've been awkward.

   I want to wear a "One in the Oven" shirt backwards... so the arrow points to my ass.

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   NO alcohol...NO fun. KNOW alcohol...KNOW fun!

   God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea... if you add commas.

   left a few lines of baby powder on my co-worker's desk. came back and there was a dollar bill rolled up.

   I love to stand in line at ATM machines, and when people put in their PIN, I yell "GOT IT" then run away!!!

   I'm not saying your kid is ugly.... I'm just saying you don't have to worry about pedophiles!!!

   A new Psychology study reveals that 1 out of every 100 black midgets don't know what Willis is talking about!!

   Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of !!!

   ... And if you're taking your girlfriend out tonight, You better park the car well out of sight... Cause if they catch you in the back seat Trying to pick her locks, They're gonna send you back to mother In a cardboard box... You better run..."

   My Life These Days is Very Simple...Eat, Sleep, Change Facebook Status...Never Better...