Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea...if you add commas.

   I think facebook must put an option that requires a person to get permission first before tagging anyone in pics and notes..

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Chicken Pot Pie my 3 favorite things!

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid..........

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   Why don't people scream when they get stabbed in movies?

   c'mon people, gays have a right to be as unhappy as the rest of us... incidentally NYs divorce rate is about to go up...