Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   Dear guys that keep sending me creepy messages telling me how much you want me: You have as much of a chance with me as a midget does of being the next NBA superstar.

   ♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫ *clap…clap*

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet

   Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus

   Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

   To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!

   How good something is has no bearing on how popular it will become.

   no mere mortal can resist The evil of the thriller!!!! I'm thinking it is a klondike bar.

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   Doing the Jerk....its a dance...To be honest I could jerk it all day...And I dont ever see myself gettin tired doin it...And its a good workout too..I mean my arm is already gettin tired...And I only been jerking for a couple of mins now..I love dancing

   Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.