Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   Thanks to facebook, I got in touch with my long lost high school crush the other day and set up a meeting. I showed up with my charm and swag turned all the way up only to be disappointed when I found out she had turned into a "bullet I dodged"

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   In the spirit of Father's Day, my best advice to you: "Keep your "business" in your pants, and always wash your hands".

   so impatient he flushes the toilet before he's finished peeing.

   why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

   After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.

   There should be some kind of a law against guys putting their girlfriend's photos on their profile pic. I am tired of sending friends request based on profile pics only to be confronted by a dude.

   A soulpatch is like a Corvette for your face.

   A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."

   Day by day, nothing really changes. Yet when you look back, everything seems different.

   ‎"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa

   Got back from lunch a little late today...I stopped at the bank and got stuck behind someone trying to do a hostile takeover through the ATM...

   Google Earth is way cooler than regular Earth.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

   If I get any more awesome I'll have to pay a luxury tax

   that 'aquard' moment when you cant spell "awkward"...