Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Circus + shopping = Walmart

   Surround yourself with Contenders, not Pretenders.

   The akward moment when your college teacher gave you a dead line date for an essay, so you forgot to do it, so you do it at the last day and end up getting a higher grade than your classmates. "THUG LIFE"

   so I put my phone in airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Let's just say, worst Transformer ever...

   Spilled my skittles in the toilet by accident today as I went to flush.. What I thought was a disaster turned into an awesome 10 second NASCAR race..

   one of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

   Just learned my (now broken) phone is NOT a transformer... Evidently, "Airplane mode" doesn't mean $H!^...

   Stupidity comes in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors.

   whats the point of being nice if it goes unnoticed.

   Not all relationships are meant to last the distance. Some are just practice for the one that does.

   SMH... you don't know which head I'm talking about now do you.

   i see you poked me, does that mean your dtf?

   Seriously. Beating up on this Wiener thing is getting old.

   My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.

   I'm sitting here wondering why my book '101 ways to kill a postman' still hasn't arrived.

   Some goals in life require you to try and make everyone happy and forces you to be fake.......... Ain't that right @Obama and @Oprah

   Don't wast your time being the one who is always there desperately waiting and being just an option.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.