Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The riots in Vancouver have taught this American a valuable lesson. That Canada is in fact a real place, and apparently flammable.

   Seriously Vancouver? Riots after you LOST a game? Wouldn't that be like smashing your laptop into pieces because you lost a game in solitaire?

   Dear Vancouver: Did your rioting get your Canucks the Stanley Cup? No? That's what I thought.

   At least someone's using the parade route they've had mapped out every year since '04...

   these sports status suck....like your hairy chest mom ....

   Thought I was having deja-vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day

   I wonder why Representative Weiner is waiting so long to pull out?

   Weiner's press conference was long and hard, but he finally whipped out his resignation after beating around the bush for a few minutes, effectively penetrating the crux of the situation and bringing the story to an explosive climax...

   afraid to go to work, my couch seems to be suffering from separation anxiety!

   It seems everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, married, pregnant, causes cancer, is undyingly stupid or nuts.

   There are so many better reasons to riot other than hockey... like a shoe sale!

   They asked the congressman was that a picture of your nuts...he said I'm not sure but it did come from my computer".....so my question is do you have random nuts in your harddrive...smh

   I breathe the Dollar Sign_:-$

   NO! I'm not arguing with you, I'm simply explaining why I'm right DAMMIT!!

   The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.

   Be careful if you see a silver lining in a cloud. It could be another aircraft.

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   Why don't blind people bungee jump? Because it scares the hell out of the dogs

   People make life so hard. smile be happy. hold no grudges. and have sex

   A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss. lol ;)