Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hugh Hefner's 60 year younger fiance called off their wedding due to a 'change of heart'. Does 'change of heart' mean 'saw the prenup'?

   Yes, you are an independant women if you dont rely on a man to get your bills paid!

   If you're an idiot, punch yourself in the face!

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.

   just bought a new pack of socks to avoid doing laundry tonight.

   There'd be less accidents if there was a texting lane.

   Calling all my ex girlfriends today to tell them I have herpes. I don't really have it, I just don't want any of them to sleep with other people.

   let's jump to 2050, when I'm at the bingo hall checking out the hot little number with the walker and tramp stamp

   Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.

   Don't worry Hef, Playmates are like buses, another one will come along in 30minutes.

   She called it off because she found out she wasn't in the will.

   Lets cut to the chase here...How much will it cost me to get laid around here?

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   you can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time!

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   says As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   wonders why other peoples dumps smell worse then your own.