Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only rime I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish sendkng a text.

   How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   If I was invisible I would be the most Boobie feelinest..Bank robbinest...person this side of the mississippi....Nite yall

   If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious.

   Best way to get out of a text convo: "The message could not be delivered due to a temporary network setup error. Please try later. Error 2128-226110

   I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday you will regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Yeah, yeah the Greeks "invented" sex. But we Italians introduced it to women.

   what goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives you a warm satisfaction?...a teabag

   Just a tip for living a long and happy life: TRY NOT TO DIE

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...

   stepped on a corn flake...Does that make me a cereal killer?

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   If you go to google and type " why does my " in the search box. Read some of the suggestions on there and you'll see why I hate people.

   A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole …. and she was happy with the Thing.