Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   To my 23 friends who are online on Facebook chat at noon on a Tuesday. Get a job you losers.

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to anything he says when he is drunk. It's the alcohol talking and it will wear off. And he will just claim amnesia when he sobers up.

   I love how my laptopshasta a warning that says You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work. Lol "work". I wish I got paid to watch porn..

   Boy are there ever a lot of garages for sale in my neighbour hood..

   Went to Walmart in my bum yard work clothes today ..but strangley did not feel out of place...

   if our women with babies use little spoons and forks to feed them. what do chinese people use? tooth picks?