Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got in a fight. You should see the other guys....they are perfectly fine.

   I have so many questions for people in lesbian marriages. Like, who is the wife and who is the husband? Who buys who flowers? Who opens doors for the who? Who leaves the toilet seat up? Who makes who a sandwich? Who just sits on the sofa watching sport?

   I line Dance just so I can kick people and get away with it

   just read the thermometer and it read "stay in the house" ..

   Made up words that people use to sound smart: Supposably, Irregardless, Exspecially

   I don't love with my heart...I love with my imagination.

   Sometimes I intentionally p0st boring statuses just to tick people off. Like I am doing now.

   There is now an Anthony Weiner action figure. I wonder if has the Kung-fu grip?

   in a relationship with himself, and I think he's cheating on me... FINALLY!!!

   Apparently this is the letter “v” in Chinese: 维 Lets see American geese try to fly in that shape.

   Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

   Man: "I just sent you a fax. Could you fax that back, it was my only copy. Receptionist: Sure thing!!

   You're her boyfriend?! That's cool! I'm her manfriend!

   I always choose Pepsi over Coca-Cola because I prefer my soda dehyphenated.

   Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck.

   I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.

   We dont remember anything from last night....Remember

   If HP made weapons there would be no wars because the stupid ammo would cost more than the guns.

   Lawyers talk how Doctors write.

   I wish instead of the stock market you could buy stock in famous people. This country is already obsessed with celebrities, we might as well have somethin to lose. Instead of hedge funds, you could buy families. I would totally buy Will Smith's family!