Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   It seems like only yesterday that my abs didn't have the letters "FL" in front of them.

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   Called animal control cause I found a nest outside my window. Never knew those guys were so good at pickin up chicks

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send".

   Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.